Finding friendship and maintaining it.

I find lots of friends. So many people with similar interests. People that are fun. People that are interesting. I have close friends that I can turn to if I need to. I don't have many friends that are close enough to just hang out with whenever, but I have faith that I will find one eventually. Of course the Army will up and move me and that will come to an end. I will just make an adventure out of trying to find a new friend.

Our base of people to find friends in can be pretty small if we are not social butterflies. Our units selection to pick friends from is pretty slim. I have found some really good friends this last year. It is a give and take relationship. I find friendships work best that way. Even if you can't give in the same way your friend does, give something in return. Offer lunch, dinner or just an ear that won't judge you or your problems. Never try to make yourself better than the other person. If you have many talents, play them down. I am very educated with a broad range of skills that can make me come across as a know it all. I try to not to share this info unless it is asked for. Pushy is not something I want to be.

There is always that one person though. That no matter how hard you try you just can't click with them. I have one of those. It bugs me because I can't seem to get to the bottom of why. We are on Facebook together, connected by the thread of our husbands unit. I met her at a dinner last November. Then got to know her better through my dearest friend here. She makes comments that are hurtful and sometimes makes no sense. I don't know why she would do this. I feel bad that she does. Like she is seeking attention, or perhaps is jealous of something. I don't know.

I speak what is on my mind in an intelligent way and think how it might affect the one it's spoken to. I can make someone happy, sad, angry by my words. We all can...if we think about them first. Determine the response we want. The aim for it. For me, I love to make people laugh. Many of my status updates are aimed at humor. Many times she doesn't get it so says something rude and off the wall. I had made a comment about OCD. She didn't get it. So I explained it. Instead of saying 'oh' her next remark was 'so you have OCD?' I rolled my eyes and said 'yes, as a matter of fact I do. but it doesn't bother me at all.'

Later that day my mother posted a picture of me from well about 26 years ago. I was 17 in the picture. Pre childbirth teen years. Now I will give the point that you can't understand emotion by words without using symbols or smileys to get a feeling across. If I don't see an emoticon I can only interpret what it said my way. So I interpreted her comment: 'That is YOU???' as OMG you are so old and fat and wrinkled now. I got about three messages within a minute of her posting that. They all took it that way.

I did the adult thing and sent her an email and told her how much she had offended me and that she should really think before she writes something on Facebook because people may not get what she is trying to say. I was straight forward and adult about it at the same time making it clear I was upset. One other time she commented how much better her life will be once she is an 'officers' wife. This got her another email from me (claiming my feelings.) I told her that comment came across that if I'm not an officers wife I am a no one. Again I had people that were just as upset as I was over the remark. I was the only one to say something. I tried very nicely to tell her when she said things like that it was alienating people around her.

My point being, every time she hurt me I would send an email and we would seem to get it worked out. Now we have today. I reposted an old post that I had also posted on Memorial day weekend.

WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.Please remember only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you.JESUS CHRIST and the AMERICAN SOLDIER. One died for your soul, the other for your freedom. GOD BLESS THE USA!! AND HAPPY 4Th OF JULY!!!

So this is what she says:  'Jesus Christ died for our sins, not our soul.' I simply commented back that she seemed to be talking semantics because without him dying for our sins our souls would be doomed so it's kinda the same concept. The next thing I know I was unfriended. This has really bothered me because I have tried to work through everything with her. I even invited her to my birthday dinner last night. (that I ended up paying for without a thanks.) So I have decided I am no longer going to try to maintain this high maintenance friendship. People like her are life suckers. People like her want to have free reign to run their mouths but don't know what to do when someone stands up to them. And all I was doing was pointing out in that context it was the same thing.

What do you think? When does one know it's time to walk away and not try anymore? Am I the one being unreasonable? (Yes I can take criticism :) ) Have I given enough chances? With friends coming and going in the Army is she really worth it? I don't see her changing. She has had so many people go to her about how quickly she speaks without thinking and then hurting people.

I won't be around often for the next couple of months. I'll be checking in but my husband will be home soon then we're going on vacation.

Birthannimus Day

Deployment makes you lose a year of life. You go on existing, but things are lost. There is no way to regain the time or events that are in the past. Sometimes the events are big.

People all around you are celebrating with their family. Army spouses with children, even though they might be going through deployment are still celebrating the special days with their children. Yes, they still lose something, but they don't lose the entire day or season.

This year we have missed our birthdays, our anniversary, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter and every little holiday in between.

My husband sent me an email and asked me what I wanted for my birthday, really wanted. That we should really do something to celebrate. Well, I really don't care that I'm going to be 43! But I love birthday's all the same. To me it is a day of family and good food. So I spent some time thinking about what we could do to celebrate. Of course he will not be home when the day comes so it still won't be the same. My birthday will come and go with me alone. Perhaps I will make some cupcakes and stick a candle in one. I don't mind.

For now anyway.

After some thought I responded to his email with the obvious. I just want him home for my birthday. Who wouldn't. Of course that wish is unrealistic so I continued with my thoughts on having a 'special day' that is OUR day. That we can celebrate everything we missed. We would set a budget and each go shopping for the other and buy gifts for everything we missed. We don't know yet if we will do a weekend getaway or maybe just a romantic dinner at home which to us is just as enjoyable if not more so. He has afterall been gone from our home for a year.

He responded back with, 'So you want to have a Birthannimus Day?' And our day was born. I have no idea if anyone else celebrates Birthannimus Day. And if they do, each one will be uniquely different to the next. It is a day that is not rushed by holiday shoppers or commercialization. It can be anything we want it to be. And it will always be ours. Of course with each deployment the actual day will change. But that is the great part about Birthannimus. It can be whenever it works best.

So for us there will be no more stressing about missed events. Because we will know when he is home that we have our special day to look forward to.

Keeping Busy

Time is moving fast now for me. Each day is one day less of this deployment and soon it will be behind us. I realize that my year of laziness is now going to catch up with me. Right now I am thankful I don't have little ones to chase after or intrude in my time and space.

My husband says the days are getting slower and slower for him. I seem to feel guilty that they are going by so fast for me when he is so miserable. His duties are slowing down now though. They are training the incoming, and preparing to depart. I can only imagine how the clock must seem to stop. For me, I see so much that I want to make sure is perfect for his return.

The yard is now a plush green grass instead of weeds. I am harvesting okra and tomatoes and a few peppers. The sunflowers are going to bloom and out on a beautiful show for his return. The daisies are thriving. The lawn needs to be mowed. The windows need to be washed. The pantry needs to be stocked. But there is jam in the freezer. Not enough. I still have peach and rhubarb (if I can even find it in Texas.) Cleaning carpets. It's amazing how dirty they get with just pets!

I don't know how I could have actually managed to have anything done sooner than now. I couldn't garden in the winter. That's the most important thing. The back yard anyway. It is a haven. It is the green and red and purple and yellow and white amongst all the gray and brown. It is where we have friends over to grill and just hang out. It is tranquility. It has also changed a great deal in the last year. For the better I imagine. But now I fear that he won't like it, and I spend hours everyday in the hot sun doing little things to make sure it remains as perfect as possible for him.

I come in to cool off and get so tired and look around the house and worry that I just won't get it done in time.

Then I think, it really doesn't matter. He won't notice a couple of rain drop stains on the windows, or a streak on the mirror. No matter what it looks like here, he will be home. And that's all that will matter to him.

The back yard

Magnolia Blossom on the tree he planted before he left.

 Okra (his favorite)

What I really want.

I have had a bad week. I think bad is even putting it mildly but I will leave it there. Because of my bad week I have asked myself over and over, 'What do I really want?'

From Army life in general.

From friendship.

From my husband.

From my family.

Some of these were easy to answer. From the army, I just want the stability of knowing they do their best to take care of the spouse. From my family, nothing more than they already give and the occasional ear to cry into.

From my husband. Now it's going to get tricky. I do believe it just boils down to love and trust. We have never given the other a reason not to trust, but when you have two control freaks that each want things their own way it can become a challenge because when one has to be in control, one can't fully trust. That applies to decisions regarding finances, friendships, and daily life. One of us has to relinquish some control. Neither of us is willing to budge.

What do I want in a friendship? The hardest question. Also the question that I think has held me back from getting a friend in this Army life. I didn't have an easy time finding a 'good' friend before. Add in the stress and constant shifting of the Army way of life and it is compounded. I am a quiet, introverted home-body. I am also painfully shy and won't speak up because I fear rejection.

It was odd coming to that conclusion because I was an insurance agent until I retired a few years ago. I dealt daily with rejection. However, that was not personal.  This is.

We moved several times as a child. So my difficulties probably started then. I was in the same school for most of my life but when my father died during my 3rd grade at school we moved 2,000 miles away for a year. Then we moved once again for a short while when I was 13 or 14.

I did have a BFF. We spent all our time together and I have never found another friendship like that again. We lost touch for years when I moved away again to get married at 16. We now exist to each other not as BFF's but as someone we once knew that we say hi to and have an occasional chat once every five years. We are so different from each other. Life sure does change people. Not her perhaps. Very much me.

Back to what I want in a friendship. Someone with similar interests. That can hang out and we do hobbies that we each have in common. Someone that just wants to hang out and watch a movie, at home. Another person that likes the comforts of home without having to be out in public all time. Someone who avoids the rat race but someone that will go into the rat race when we both need to get out for a while. Someone that is close that we can lean on each other when we need it. Someone that doesn't suck the life out of me and take advantage of my giving nature. Someone that motivates and encourages. Someone that is not afraid to say enough is enough. Someone that is willing to take a stand for what is right without being rude, cruel or mean. There is always a way to kindly speak your mind. Even if you have to bite your tongue for a moment until the right words come. And the hardest thing, someone that I can trust. That doesn't take things I tell them in confidence and run to the next person to discuss what was said. Someone that wants to be my friend for me, for who I am. Not for who my husband is, or was or is going to be. Yes, I've dealt with that MANY times in the past.

Perhaps my expectations are just to unreasonably high. At 40+ though I don't need nor do I want the games that people play. I want to be me. I want them to be them. Give and take. No extremes.

The importance of friendship.

There are days when I just need someone. Someone that understands what I feel. Someone that has gone through deployment or is going through it.

I can always pick up the phone and call someone back home and they care. But they don't have that deep understanding of really 'knowing' what it's like.

Sure, I could go to counseling and talk to a therapist. I just have this uneasy feeling about doing that. That anything I say will somehow be recorded in some way and get back to my husbands unit. (Even when they say it's anonymous...)

I have a great marriage. I do not however have a perfect marriage. There are days I just want to scream from frustration. Those are the days I want a friend to talk to. To maybe get my mind off things. Just do something, anything. But I don't have any of those.

Today I feel the isolation problem stronger than any other time during this deployment. Maybe because it is nearing the end. How bad will the stress get as the days to redeployment get closer and closer.

I really try not to take it personal. I know that the families with children/family are busy. I don't hold it against them. I just want someone to unload my feelings, my frustration. Someone who won't judge me or think less of me. Someone who can be impartial and still be sympathetic. Someone who understands deployment and still able to talk outside of the realm of the military.


My husband has been my best friend and confidant for so many years and I really didn't need anyone else. Now, with the distance between us in miles a gap in our bond is forming. I have no doubt that will can fill in the gaps once we readjust to each other, but what do I do in the meantime? I need a 'Wilson' like on Cast Away. No, I have my pets for that. I need human interaction. Reaction. Face to face emotion.

I'm going to take a break for a couple of days. Work my way through this. I'll be back after the holiday weekend. Keep in mind why we have a Memorial Day, remember why we are free.

This video was made in 1986 and is just as powerful today as it was then.

Complex

I am seriously getting a complex!

I don't know many of the women here, some only by association. But I have tried to connect. For some it's just plain distance, for others I have no clue. Perhaps I have an odor. I try to make sure I've showered before I meet people, but I chase people away. ::smile:: I try to be reserved, but I can rattle on unintentionally when around humans. I try not to be a know-it-all. I try not to ask for help unless I have found absolutely no way out of a situation. I try to make myself available. When someone is sick I volunteer to take them a meal. When someone is in need I try to be there. I always try to do as much to help others as I possibly can. Perhaps it's because my house is plain, undecorated. We focus our energy outside on our yard. We aren't caught up with decorating inside or having 'Americana' decor all over. We occasionally buy one thing, if we both agree and it makes a statement or has a meaning to us.

Sometimes I sit and wonder why I try so hard. I could have gone the entire deployment without every meeting anyone in the unit and I honestly don't think anyone would have called to see if I actually existed. And the reason, in which I wholeheartedly believe, is that I have no children. When one has a child at home, there is some form of accountability. There is school at the very least. With a child one has more needs and emergencies. But should that exclude me?

What is it about women without children that others see as a 'disease.' I have raised children. I am knowledgeable about them. I wanted more children but God didn't have that plan for me, I have accepted that (well most of the time.) I sit here now and wonder if I treated childless parents the same way when my children were growing up. I hope not. I'm pretty sure I didn't. I know every weekend I went to play cards with a couple that were childless. I don't remember treating them differently.

The spouses are by no means cruel or mean. It is just that they have children or families to occupy their time. One person being alone is really no matter to them when they have someone taking up part of their lives. 

My energy levels aren't as high as a young spouse. Perhaps that it. I need notice and planning to do anything. I can't just do things on the fly anymore. I lost my spontaneity. But that doesn't mean I don't enjoy things occasionally. I just need a little time.

There could be and probably are other things. I am almost twice as old as many. Our unit is very small. My husband is enlisted. But really, do any of those things make ME less of a person?

Shopping....UGH!

Once upon a time I used to LOVE shopping. Now I hate leaving the house. I'm sure that will change back to normal once my husband gets home. It can be some sort of escape even if I don't buy anything. But right now I have nothing to escape from except myself.

Come payday, I pay all my bills online either directly or through the bill pay option at my bank. I love the feeling of waking up on payday and getting everything done in less than a half hour without having to run from lace to place like we did in the 'old days.' I don't usually use the auto pay feature. I don't trust that the money will always be there. I like to see it before I spend it. Besides who wants to pay the overdraft fees that banks charge if we forget that an auto pay is coming out.

Once all the bills are taken care of I gather my list of groceries and coupons I have. I head to the commissary and get 7 gallons of milk (no that's not a typo), cereal, soup and a small loaf of bread and a few other things to sustain me. My list usually has everything I need on it but I inevitably forget half of it from just trying to grab what I need and get out of the store. So I get home and realize I am out of toilet paper or other household necessities.

About 8 months ago I saw an ad for Alice. I was intrigued. An online grocery that will remind me when I am out of things. So I tried it out. It was fantastic!! Alice even had cleaning supplies that I love but couldn't find in Texas!! The prices are comparable to the major stores and often better. PLUS, if there is a coupon available for the product, it is automatically applied. How great is that? Oh, to add to Alice's appeal everything you buy is shipped for FREE right to your door! Now for the catch. There is a minimum order of six items. And back to good news. It can be six items that cost $1. Alice also has a referral program that pays you if you get your friends to try it out and will give your friend $10 in their account once they have spent a total of $50. With that they put a percentage of what your friend spends into your account that you can redeem for cash! If you are interested in saving time and running and want to shop at Alice you can get $10 off once you spend $50 also. Just click through on any one of the links to get the bonus. And yes, if you click through me Alice will put a little bit of money on my account. So we are helping each other. I actively use Alice for my shopping and hope if you do try it you will find it as wonderful as I do. I almost forgot one of my favorite things that Alice has...postage stamps!! They are the same price as the post office and you don't have to wait in line for them!

After I shop at Alice, and I can get lost in there for a long time, I head over to Amazon and look for things I might want or need to send to my husband. Amazon does ship to APO for no additional charge!! Usually what I have done leading up to payday is wish list or even add to my cart things I have thought of. I try to stick with Amazon products or vendors that go along with the free shipping after spending $25. This can be a substantial savings. With books though I tend to go for the used ones which also cost a fraction even if I have to pay for shipping. If you've never tried Amazon  you can search and find almost anything you can imagine and then some. Amazon also has a grocery store. The biggest drawback is that everything is in bulk. I also don't think the prices are that great even in bulk. But just in case you would like to see for yourself, Search Amazon.com for groceries.

And that is about it for my shopping every two-three weeks. I hope you find that both Alice and Amazon can save you money and time!