The importance of friendship.

There are days when I just need someone. Someone that understands what I feel. Someone that has gone through deployment or is going through it.

I can always pick up the phone and call someone back home and they care. But they don't have that deep understanding of really 'knowing' what it's like.

Sure, I could go to counseling and talk to a therapist. I just have this uneasy feeling about doing that. That anything I say will somehow be recorded in some way and get back to my husbands unit. (Even when they say it's anonymous...)

I have a great marriage. I do not however have a perfect marriage. There are days I just want to scream from frustration. Those are the days I want a friend to talk to. To maybe get my mind off things. Just do something, anything. But I don't have any of those.

Today I feel the isolation problem stronger than any other time during this deployment. Maybe because it is nearing the end. How bad will the stress get as the days to redeployment get closer and closer.

I really try not to take it personal. I know that the families with children/family are busy. I don't hold it against them. I just want someone to unload my feelings, my frustration. Someone who won't judge me or think less of me. Someone who can be impartial and still be sympathetic. Someone who understands deployment and still able to talk outside of the realm of the military.


My husband has been my best friend and confidant for so many years and I really didn't need anyone else. Now, with the distance between us in miles a gap in our bond is forming. I have no doubt that will can fill in the gaps once we readjust to each other, but what do I do in the meantime? I need a 'Wilson' like on Cast Away. No, I have my pets for that. I need human interaction. Reaction. Face to face emotion.

I'm going to take a break for a couple of days. Work my way through this. I'll be back after the holiday weekend. Keep in mind why we have a Memorial Day, remember why we are free.

This video was made in 1986 and is just as powerful today as it was then.

Complex

I am seriously getting a complex!

I don't know many of the women here, some only by association. But I have tried to connect. For some it's just plain distance, for others I have no clue. Perhaps I have an odor. I try to make sure I've showered before I meet people, but I chase people away. ::smile:: I try to be reserved, but I can rattle on unintentionally when around humans. I try not to be a know-it-all. I try not to ask for help unless I have found absolutely no way out of a situation. I try to make myself available. When someone is sick I volunteer to take them a meal. When someone is in need I try to be there. I always try to do as much to help others as I possibly can. Perhaps it's because my house is plain, undecorated. We focus our energy outside on our yard. We aren't caught up with decorating inside or having 'Americana' decor all over. We occasionally buy one thing, if we both agree and it makes a statement or has a meaning to us.

Sometimes I sit and wonder why I try so hard. I could have gone the entire deployment without every meeting anyone in the unit and I honestly don't think anyone would have called to see if I actually existed. And the reason, in which I wholeheartedly believe, is that I have no children. When one has a child at home, there is some form of accountability. There is school at the very least. With a child one has more needs and emergencies. But should that exclude me?

What is it about women without children that others see as a 'disease.' I have raised children. I am knowledgeable about them. I wanted more children but God didn't have that plan for me, I have accepted that (well most of the time.) I sit here now and wonder if I treated childless parents the same way when my children were growing up. I hope not. I'm pretty sure I didn't. I know every weekend I went to play cards with a couple that were childless. I don't remember treating them differently.

The spouses are by no means cruel or mean. It is just that they have children or families to occupy their time. One person being alone is really no matter to them when they have someone taking up part of their lives. 

My energy levels aren't as high as a young spouse. Perhaps that it. I need notice and planning to do anything. I can't just do things on the fly anymore. I lost my spontaneity. But that doesn't mean I don't enjoy things occasionally. I just need a little time.

There could be and probably are other things. I am almost twice as old as many. Our unit is very small. My husband is enlisted. But really, do any of those things make ME less of a person?

Shopping....UGH!

Once upon a time I used to LOVE shopping. Now I hate leaving the house. I'm sure that will change back to normal once my husband gets home. It can be some sort of escape even if I don't buy anything. But right now I have nothing to escape from except myself.

Come payday, I pay all my bills online either directly or through the bill pay option at my bank. I love the feeling of waking up on payday and getting everything done in less than a half hour without having to run from lace to place like we did in the 'old days.' I don't usually use the auto pay feature. I don't trust that the money will always be there. I like to see it before I spend it. Besides who wants to pay the overdraft fees that banks charge if we forget that an auto pay is coming out.

Once all the bills are taken care of I gather my list of groceries and coupons I have. I head to the commissary and get 7 gallons of milk (no that's not a typo), cereal, soup and a small loaf of bread and a few other things to sustain me. My list usually has everything I need on it but I inevitably forget half of it from just trying to grab what I need and get out of the store. So I get home and realize I am out of toilet paper or other household necessities.

About 8 months ago I saw an ad for Alice. I was intrigued. An online grocery that will remind me when I am out of things. So I tried it out. It was fantastic!! Alice even had cleaning supplies that I love but couldn't find in Texas!! The prices are comparable to the major stores and often better. PLUS, if there is a coupon available for the product, it is automatically applied. How great is that? Oh, to add to Alice's appeal everything you buy is shipped for FREE right to your door! Now for the catch. There is a minimum order of six items. And back to good news. It can be six items that cost $1. Alice also has a referral program that pays you if you get your friends to try it out and will give your friend $10 in their account once they have spent a total of $50. With that they put a percentage of what your friend spends into your account that you can redeem for cash! If you are interested in saving time and running and want to shop at Alice you can get $10 off once you spend $50 also. Just click through on any one of the links to get the bonus. And yes, if you click through me Alice will put a little bit of money on my account. So we are helping each other. I actively use Alice for my shopping and hope if you do try it you will find it as wonderful as I do. I almost forgot one of my favorite things that Alice has...postage stamps!! They are the same price as the post office and you don't have to wait in line for them!

After I shop at Alice, and I can get lost in there for a long time, I head over to Amazon and look for things I might want or need to send to my husband. Amazon does ship to APO for no additional charge!! Usually what I have done leading up to payday is wish list or even add to my cart things I have thought of. I try to stick with Amazon products or vendors that go along with the free shipping after spending $25. This can be a substantial savings. With books though I tend to go for the used ones which also cost a fraction even if I have to pay for shipping. If you've never tried Amazon  you can search and find almost anything you can imagine and then some. Amazon also has a grocery store. The biggest drawback is that everything is in bulk. I also don't think the prices are that great even in bulk. But just in case you would like to see for yourself, Search Amazon.com for groceries.

And that is about it for my shopping every two-three weeks. I hope you find that both Alice and Amazon can save you money and time!

First Deployment Issues

There are so many things that have to be learned from just going through it. I think the Army tries to prepare people for their deployment with SRP but still things are missed. Too much is happening to think of all the little things. Like who is going to do the yardwork, fix the car, fix the house, spray for bugs, you name it. Some of it might be set up but if you deploy right after PCS it's probably not.

And it really doesn't seem like much of an issue. But it is. For us anyway. For us I had to suddenly find all of the above mentioned people. The problem comes in when I made the decision who to hire. I searched the internet yellow pages, read the reviews and referrals and chose.

When I chose I didn't think it was a problem. Something came up. I took care of it. But each time it made my husband angry. I had left him out of the decision process. I think he is being unfair and irrational. He thinks I am being insensitive. I think I am helping. He thinks I am hurting. We have gone back and forth with different things. It comes down to two things for him. #1. My safety. #2. Him not being in control of his home.

There needs to be a ceremony where the spouse relinquishes control of the home to the one left behind then get it back when they return.

I have always managed our home. Made sure the bills are paid, food is bought, you name it. I'm the one in charge of the house. So I guess this problem is even more confusing as to WHY he suddenly feels that I am leaving him out of the decisions. This is also one of the times that I really feel it's a blessing not to have children to make decisions for.

It's nothing we won't get through. We always work things out and this is after all our biggest issue. I just wonder if anyone else has the same problem.

Keeping house.

Ok, I am living alone when my husband is deployed. The house never gets messy like it does when there are little kids running around. (Or my husband!) But things still get dirty and old. I have pets that can seem to make just as big of a mess as a two year old. I discovered the website FlyLady some time ago.Not all of the information was helpful but I was able to utilize a great deal and modify it to fit our life.

I will admit the system works SO much better when there is someone that comes in the door in the evening for dinner. But in some ways it has helped keep me on track. One of the main things was the home organization book.  It is easy to set up and the book walks you through it and even helps make it pertain to your life. Now, whatever I need to know is in one place and I don't have to go on a wild hunt tracking down phone numbers, warranties or medical information.

I am getting close now to redeployment and need to get myself back on some form of schedule now. I have had almost a year off from having to worry about dust bunnies in the corner. With the SHE system it helps put housework into bite size pieces so you don't spend half of your life cleaning the house.

If you have heard of the system, use the system or have even read the book I'd like to hear your thoughts on it. If you haven't read the book I highly recommend it.

Cooking for one.

This has to be one of the biggest challenges we face. And I will honestly admit my eating habits are some of the worst! My energy went with my husband. I guess my energy thinks it will be more of a benefit for him than for me. My energy didn't want to be alone so along with it she took my motivation.

Lacking now in both of those vital functions daily life is hard to get through. I will get the occasional visit from one of them but it never seems to be both at the same time.

I still have to tackle the chore of eating. And not just eating but making healthier choices because I have no energy to get rid of any extra calories I might consume.

Soup and Crackers.Yep, good old fashioned simple easy to digest Campbell's soup with some crackers. It fills me up, makes two meals and doesn't have an extraordinary high amount of fat and calories. Of course I'm not getting all my nutrients that way and since my appetite goes on vacation almost daily I have to supplement that. How? I get thirsty. This is where I bring in variety to my fabulous meal plan! Carnation Instant breakfast (I LOVE the strawberry), Boost, Special K protein shakes, even SlimFast (which has my nutrients and protein)

I manage quite well on that diet. I don't buy junk food lest I be tempted to eat it for a meal. Well, I don't buy it very often. Sometimes you just NEED some. So when I do buy junk food I get some form of muffin that gives the appearance of being healthy.

Then there are days here and there that I feel like cooking. I have always cooked for crowds. Learning to cook for just one is not easy. I find recipes and modify them a bit and depending on the food I will make more and freeze some for another homecooked meal on some other day. My collection of recipes is small but I am working on it and would like input of what you do for cooking for one.(I am going to try to find another hosting site for the recipes. This one requires a log in. If you want to see the recipes let me know and I will send you the log in info.)


Check out the recipes here.

Going It Alone

Today, well the past couple of days, I've been pretty down. I feel left out. Left behind. Having no children excludes me from a lot. Unless I want the questions, or the looks of 'Oh you don't have children here?' Or, the look that says 'at your age you're only an enlisted wife?' The looks hurt. I don't even think people know they give the look. It's a quick flash in their eyes. They recover quickly, say something nice and head off to the next person. They don't stop the find out more. To find out that my husband was old when he went back in. To find out I do indeed have children. They are grown with their own children.
Almost started feeling blue again and lost track of my focus for this entry. I wrote a letter today to Melissa at Her War Her Voice and in communicating with her today realized I was really only sitting back and feeling sorry for myself. So I did something about it. I created a group for military spouses that are either childless, part time parent or have grown children like me. It is a Facebook group but I encourage anyone reading and in the same situation to join. It is Going It Alone. Thank you Melissa for helping me find my voice. Maybe now I will even keep up with the blog.
I told my husband I wanted to do something to help people so they didn't have to feel as lost as I did. I just hope they can find me. When I did a search for deployment without children EVERY search result pertained to people WITH children. Hmmm..