Deployment makes you lose a year of life. You go on existing, but things are lost. There is no way to regain the time or events that are in the past. Sometimes the events are big.
People all around you are celebrating with their family. Army spouses with children, even though they might be going through deployment are still celebrating the special days with their children. Yes, they still lose something, but they don't lose the entire day or season.
This year we have missed our birthdays, our anniversary, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter and every little holiday in between.
My husband sent me an email and asked me what I wanted for my birthday, really wanted. That we should really do something to celebrate. Well, I really don't care that I'm going to be 43! But I love birthday's all the same. To me it is a day of family and good food. So I spent some time thinking about what we could do to celebrate. Of course he will not be home when the day comes so it still won't be the same. My birthday will come and go with me alone. Perhaps I will make some cupcakes and stick a candle in one. I don't mind.
For now anyway.
After some thought I responded to his email with the obvious. I just want him home for my birthday. Who wouldn't. Of course that wish is unrealistic so I continued with my thoughts on having a 'special day' that is OUR day. That we can celebrate everything we missed. We would set a budget and each go shopping for the other and buy gifts for everything we missed. We don't know yet if we will do a weekend getaway or maybe just a romantic dinner at home which to us is just as enjoyable if not more so. He has afterall been gone from our home for a year.
He responded back with, 'So you want to have a Birthannimus Day?' And our day was born. I have no idea if anyone else celebrates Birthannimus Day. And if they do, each one will be uniquely different to the next. It is a day that is not rushed by holiday shoppers or commercialization. It can be anything we want it to be. And it will always be ours. Of course with each deployment the actual day will change. But that is the great part about Birthannimus. It can be whenever it works best.
So for us there will be no more stressing about missed events. Because we will know when he is home that we have our special day to look forward to.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Keeping Busy
Time is moving fast now for me. Each day is one day less of this deployment and soon it will be behind us. I realize that my year of laziness is now going to catch up with me. Right now I am thankful I don't have little ones to chase after or intrude in my time and space.
My husband says the days are getting slower and slower for him. I seem to feel guilty that they are going by so fast for me when he is so miserable. His duties are slowing down now though. They are training the incoming, and preparing to depart. I can only imagine how the clock must seem to stop. For me, I see so much that I want to make sure is perfect for his return.
The yard is now a plush green grass instead of weeds. I am harvesting okra and tomatoes and a few peppers. The sunflowers are going to bloom and out on a beautiful show for his return. The daisies are thriving. The lawn needs to be mowed. The windows need to be washed. The pantry needs to be stocked. But there is jam in the freezer. Not enough. I still have peach and rhubarb (if I can even find it in Texas.) Cleaning carpets. It's amazing how dirty they get with just pets!
I don't know how I could have actually managed to have anything done sooner than now. I couldn't garden in the winter. That's the most important thing. The back yard anyway. It is a haven. It is the green and red and purple and yellow and white amongst all the gray and brown. It is where we have friends over to grill and just hang out. It is tranquility. It has also changed a great deal in the last year. For the better I imagine. But now I fear that he won't like it, and I spend hours everyday in the hot sun doing little things to make sure it remains as perfect as possible for him.
I come in to cool off and get so tired and look around the house and worry that I just won't get it done in time.
Then I think, it really doesn't matter. He won't notice a couple of rain drop stains on the windows, or a streak on the mirror. No matter what it looks like here, he will be home. And that's all that will matter to him.
The back yard
Magnolia Blossom on the tree he planted before he left. 
Okra (his favorite)
My husband says the days are getting slower and slower for him. I seem to feel guilty that they are going by so fast for me when he is so miserable. His duties are slowing down now though. They are training the incoming, and preparing to depart. I can only imagine how the clock must seem to stop. For me, I see so much that I want to make sure is perfect for his return.
The yard is now a plush green grass instead of weeds. I am harvesting okra and tomatoes and a few peppers. The sunflowers are going to bloom and out on a beautiful show for his return. The daisies are thriving. The lawn needs to be mowed. The windows need to be washed. The pantry needs to be stocked. But there is jam in the freezer. Not enough. I still have peach and rhubarb (if I can even find it in Texas.) Cleaning carpets. It's amazing how dirty they get with just pets!
I don't know how I could have actually managed to have anything done sooner than now. I couldn't garden in the winter. That's the most important thing. The back yard anyway. It is a haven. It is the green and red and purple and yellow and white amongst all the gray and brown. It is where we have friends over to grill and just hang out. It is tranquility. It has also changed a great deal in the last year. For the better I imagine. But now I fear that he won't like it, and I spend hours everyday in the hot sun doing little things to make sure it remains as perfect as possible for him.
I come in to cool off and get so tired and look around the house and worry that I just won't get it done in time.
Then I think, it really doesn't matter. He won't notice a couple of rain drop stains on the windows, or a streak on the mirror. No matter what it looks like here, he will be home. And that's all that will matter to him.
The back yard
Magnolia Blossom on the tree he planted before he left.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
What I really want.
I have had a bad week. I think bad is even putting it mildly but I will leave it there. Because of my bad week I have asked myself over and over, 'What do I really want?'
From Army life in general.
From friendship.
From my husband.
From my family.
Some of these were easy to answer. From the army, I just want the stability of knowing they do their best to take care of the spouse. From my family, nothing more than they already give and the occasional ear to cry into.
From my husband. Now it's going to get tricky. I do believe it just boils down to love and trust. We have never given the other a reason not to trust, but when you have two control freaks that each want things their own way it can become a challenge because when one has to be in control, one can't fully trust. That applies to decisions regarding finances, friendships, and daily life. One of us has to relinquish some control. Neither of us is willing to budge.
What do I want in a friendship? The hardest question. Also the question that I think has held me back from getting a friend in this Army life. I didn't have an easy time finding a 'good' friend before. Add in the stress and constant shifting of the Army way of life and it is compounded. I am a quiet, introverted home-body. I am also painfully shy and won't speak up because I fear rejection.
It was odd coming to that conclusion because I was an insurance agent until I retired a few years ago. I dealt daily with rejection. However, that was not personal. This is.
We moved several times as a child. So my difficulties probably started then. I was in the same school for most of my life but when my father died during my 3rd grade at school we moved 2,000 miles away for a year. Then we moved once again for a short while when I was 13 or 14.
I did have a BFF. We spent all our time together and I have never found another friendship like that again. We lost touch for years when I moved away again to get married at 16. We now exist to each other not as BFF's but as someone we once knew that we say hi to and have an occasional chat once every five years. We are so different from each other. Life sure does change people. Not her perhaps. Very much me.
Back to what I want in a friendship. Someone with similar interests. That can hang out and we do hobbies that we each have in common. Someone that just wants to hang out and watch a movie, at home. Another person that likes the comforts of home without having to be out in public all time. Someone who avoids the rat race but someone that will go into the rat race when we both need to get out for a while. Someone that is close that we can lean on each other when we need it. Someone that doesn't suck the life out of me and take advantage of my giving nature. Someone that motivates and encourages. Someone that is not afraid to say enough is enough. Someone that is willing to take a stand for what is right without being rude, cruel or mean. There is always a way to kindly speak your mind. Even if you have to bite your tongue for a moment until the right words come. And the hardest thing, someone that I can trust. That doesn't take things I tell them in confidence and run to the next person to discuss what was said. Someone that wants to be my friend for me, for who I am. Not for who my husband is, or was or is going to be. Yes, I've dealt with that MANY times in the past.
Perhaps my expectations are just to unreasonably high. At 40+ though I don't need nor do I want the games that people play. I want to be me. I want them to be them. Give and take. No extremes.
From Army life in general.
From friendship.
From my husband.
From my family.
Some of these were easy to answer. From the army, I just want the stability of knowing they do their best to take care of the spouse. From my family, nothing more than they already give and the occasional ear to cry into.
From my husband. Now it's going to get tricky. I do believe it just boils down to love and trust. We have never given the other a reason not to trust, but when you have two control freaks that each want things their own way it can become a challenge because when one has to be in control, one can't fully trust. That applies to decisions regarding finances, friendships, and daily life. One of us has to relinquish some control. Neither of us is willing to budge.
What do I want in a friendship? The hardest question. Also the question that I think has held me back from getting a friend in this Army life. I didn't have an easy time finding a 'good' friend before. Add in the stress and constant shifting of the Army way of life and it is compounded. I am a quiet, introverted home-body. I am also painfully shy and won't speak up because I fear rejection.
It was odd coming to that conclusion because I was an insurance agent until I retired a few years ago. I dealt daily with rejection. However, that was not personal. This is.
We moved several times as a child. So my difficulties probably started then. I was in the same school for most of my life but when my father died during my 3rd grade at school we moved 2,000 miles away for a year. Then we moved once again for a short while when I was 13 or 14.
I did have a BFF. We spent all our time together and I have never found another friendship like that again. We lost touch for years when I moved away again to get married at 16. We now exist to each other not as BFF's but as someone we once knew that we say hi to and have an occasional chat once every five years. We are so different from each other. Life sure does change people. Not her perhaps. Very much me.
Back to what I want in a friendship. Someone with similar interests. That can hang out and we do hobbies that we each have in common. Someone that just wants to hang out and watch a movie, at home. Another person that likes the comforts of home without having to be out in public all time. Someone who avoids the rat race but someone that will go into the rat race when we both need to get out for a while. Someone that is close that we can lean on each other when we need it. Someone that doesn't suck the life out of me and take advantage of my giving nature. Someone that motivates and encourages. Someone that is not afraid to say enough is enough. Someone that is willing to take a stand for what is right without being rude, cruel or mean. There is always a way to kindly speak your mind. Even if you have to bite your tongue for a moment until the right words come. And the hardest thing, someone that I can trust. That doesn't take things I tell them in confidence and run to the next person to discuss what was said. Someone that wants to be my friend for me, for who I am. Not for who my husband is, or was or is going to be. Yes, I've dealt with that MANY times in the past.
Perhaps my expectations are just to unreasonably high. At 40+ though I don't need nor do I want the games that people play. I want to be me. I want them to be them. Give and take. No extremes.
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