What I really want.

I have had a bad week. I think bad is even putting it mildly but I will leave it there. Because of my bad week I have asked myself over and over, 'What do I really want?'

From Army life in general.

From friendship.

From my husband.

From my family.

Some of these were easy to answer. From the army, I just want the stability of knowing they do their best to take care of the spouse. From my family, nothing more than they already give and the occasional ear to cry into.

From my husband. Now it's going to get tricky. I do believe it just boils down to love and trust. We have never given the other a reason not to trust, but when you have two control freaks that each want things their own way it can become a challenge because when one has to be in control, one can't fully trust. That applies to decisions regarding finances, friendships, and daily life. One of us has to relinquish some control. Neither of us is willing to budge.

What do I want in a friendship? The hardest question. Also the question that I think has held me back from getting a friend in this Army life. I didn't have an easy time finding a 'good' friend before. Add in the stress and constant shifting of the Army way of life and it is compounded. I am a quiet, introverted home-body. I am also painfully shy and won't speak up because I fear rejection.

It was odd coming to that conclusion because I was an insurance agent until I retired a few years ago. I dealt daily with rejection. However, that was not personal.  This is.

We moved several times as a child. So my difficulties probably started then. I was in the same school for most of my life but when my father died during my 3rd grade at school we moved 2,000 miles away for a year. Then we moved once again for a short while when I was 13 or 14.

I did have a BFF. We spent all our time together and I have never found another friendship like that again. We lost touch for years when I moved away again to get married at 16. We now exist to each other not as BFF's but as someone we once knew that we say hi to and have an occasional chat once every five years. We are so different from each other. Life sure does change people. Not her perhaps. Very much me.

Back to what I want in a friendship. Someone with similar interests. That can hang out and we do hobbies that we each have in common. Someone that just wants to hang out and watch a movie, at home. Another person that likes the comforts of home without having to be out in public all time. Someone who avoids the rat race but someone that will go into the rat race when we both need to get out for a while. Someone that is close that we can lean on each other when we need it. Someone that doesn't suck the life out of me and take advantage of my giving nature. Someone that motivates and encourages. Someone that is not afraid to say enough is enough. Someone that is willing to take a stand for what is right without being rude, cruel or mean. There is always a way to kindly speak your mind. Even if you have to bite your tongue for a moment until the right words come. And the hardest thing, someone that I can trust. That doesn't take things I tell them in confidence and run to the next person to discuss what was said. Someone that wants to be my friend for me, for who I am. Not for who my husband is, or was or is going to be. Yes, I've dealt with that MANY times in the past.

Perhaps my expectations are just to unreasonably high. At 40+ though I don't need nor do I want the games that people play. I want to be me. I want them to be them. Give and take. No extremes.