Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Scatter brained

I'm all over the place. Hubby leaving after R&R, tragic death in family, fires destroying so much of Texas. So I should say I'm not physically all over the place. My mind is. I want to be with my family but need to stay close to home because of fire hazards. I cry for a while, then I laugh. Then I wander. I don't have any plans, I need plans. I just can't make any. None that stick anyway. Then I get angry at myself for being so sad for so many I don't know.

Death messes with me. Tortures me. Haunts me. I wonder if it would be different if my father hadn't died when I was eight. If I hadn't had to have faced loss to someone so close so soon.

I ask God why he lets me hurt for every death I hear about or read. Why can't I just say "wow that sucks" and move on?

I will find my peace soon. Dale will have a funeral, the fires will end, hubby will be home (eventually.)

Bear with me, I promise I'll snap out of it stronger and more resilient. I just don't feel like being strong and resilient right now.

Please forgive any crazy typos I might have missed. I'm posting from phone.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Death

It seems to be everywhere lately, or always. Those closest to me have suffered many losses this last year. Time and time again I read all the posts of sympathy. Time and time again I get so angry. Yes, this is me ranting on my little soap box. There are just some things you should never say to someone that has lost a loved one.

1. "I know how you feel." REALLY?? No you don't! You know how you felt when you lost someone but you don't know what someone else feels. Loss is personal and unique to each and every person. No one knows how someone else feels. We can have empathy or we can sympathize but we cannot really KNOW.

2. "They are happy now in heaven with Jesus." ARGHHHH!!! I am a Christian, but the LAST thing I want to hear is that someone I love is in heaven. I do NOT want them in heaven. I want them here with me.

3. "You are in my prayers." Ok. maybe they are being honest. I don't use the phrase though. I can't get myself to say meaningless words. I pray. But I can't say to someone for sure that they will be in my prayers. What if I forget? Then I am a liar.

Yes, my family suffered a loss today. A young man that was good and had a little daughter on the way. I hurt so much for them. I can't be there because the airlines want between $600 and $1800 for the ticket to get home. (really!) I am choosing rather to send money to my brother to help with the expenses. But I feel helpless. I want to be there to help and clean and cook and let them cry and cry with them.

My sister in law offered me these words of comfort today. "Just something I need to say... PLEASE remember why you are there and what a sacrifice you and Mikey are doing not only for the good of our family, but for the good of everyone!!! We all love you both so much and know that if you were here, you would be here taking charge and keeping everyone in line!" 


Those words meant so much to me. I was so depressed and down thinking how much they needed me, but they understand and beyond.


Oh, I wandered. Mind you, these are my opinions about death. What I say to others is very simple. "I'm sorry. You are in my thoughts." Those words are honest and spoken very truthfully from the heart. Yes, a prayer will be sent up but I just can't promise it in writing. I don't even say I'm here if you need me because I can't commit to honestly being there WHENEVER someone needs me. I'm not being selfish. I'm being honest.