How are you?

I hate that question. Really I do. Chances are I feel awful but my conditioned response is generally 'Great! And you?'

I sometimes wonder how far peoples mouths would drop if I actually told them the truth. That I am in constant pain. That I'm tired. That I just don't know how I can deal with all of it one more day. But I don't. I remind myself constantly it could be worse. It used to be worse. There are others worse than myself. It's so hard to remember those little things when I have a bad day though.

Here it is. I am going to lay it out. It might explain why my posting is sometimes sporadic and why what I do runs in cycles. The whole honest truth. Well maybe not all of it. And this is the last you will hear of it. I am not a complainer. Not about my health anyway. I can find enough things to complain about without it.

I don't let it get to me. I do my work and errands to the best of my ability regardless of how I feel. I don't whine and complain, I just do it and get it over with. We all have problems. No one wants to hear them ALL the time. 

10 years ago I had a minor operation that went bad. I developed peritonitis, pancreatitis and my colon was perforated in 4 places. The surgeons did not expect me to make it. They had called my family in and when I was to be transferred for emergency surgery my family was told I would die on the way to their chosen hospital an hour away (by ambulance, not by car.) I underwent five hours of surgery that night. I was told they took everything out and then put it all back in. That my abdomen was filled with infection. The next day they drained a liter of fluid off my left lung. It had only filled 75% and they felt it was less likely to collapse than my right which had completely filled. One more day and they reopened my abdomen and repeated the five hour surgery. I was in ICU for a long time. I don't remember much. I then moved to a private room and spent a month getting to know the staff very well. But I was strong and pulled through. I have undergone many surgeries since and have incidental problems but it's okay. I'm sitting here writing about it so it's all good.

In 2005 I had a pain in my lower back. Within days I couldn't move and my entire right side had gone numb. They put me in the hospital on really strong pain meds that were awful! Neurologists poked pins at my leg and feet. This test that test. Nothing. I went to see a newly graduated family doctor that suggested it was Psoriatic arthritis. Testing showed it indeed was. Not sure what that is? Most don't. The easiest way to explain it is to say I have rheumatoid arthritis. They are identical in symptoms and treatments. The only difference is the RA factor in the bloodwork. Now, if you don't know about RA either it is not just arthritis.  It is an autoimmune disease. I get sick if someone 2 miles away sneezes. Mornings are awful and I have to curl up into a ball and roll to get out of bed. I am tired. The treatment is a chemotherapy drug called methotrexate that I inject once a week and a TNF drug called Simponi. (You might have heard of some of these in commercials. Enbrel and Humira are advertised often.) I choose the one I'm on because it is one shot a month and is relatively painless in comparison to Enbrel and Humira which both make me cuss like a sailor when they are injected. (It's so bad I cannot inject myself!) This medication further attacks the immune system and by doing that slows the progression of the disease. Notice I said slows. I wish I could have written stops the progression. I battle chronic bronchitis, pneumonia and any bug that floats by. I go through gallons of hand sanitizer. When I know there is a virus outbreak I panic and look for my masks. But I'm okay. Five years ago I was in a wheelchair. Then I used a can for months. Now I mostly walk on my own except for very long treks, but I try. On those occasions I have to take my wheelchair and push it as far as I can before I let someone push me. I detest it!! But I fight it. I try to keep as active as I can and wish I could do more. The fatigue I battle on a daily basis wins very often. The treatment causes more fatigue. **I talked my doctor into letting me try methotrexate pills until my hubby comes home and can do my shots again. Score!**

The last thing, which I believe is related to the first thing is metabolic disorder. This is the one that I wish I could beat the most. It is terrible. It includes:

• Obesity, particularly around your waist (having an "apple shape")
• A systolic (top number) blood pressure measurement higher than 120 millimeters of mercury (mm Hg) or a diastolic (bottom number) blood pressure measurement higher than 80 mm Hg
• An elevated level of the blood fat called triglycerides and a low level of high-density lipoprotein (HDL) cholesterol — the "good" cholesterol
• Resistance to insulin, a hormone that helps to regulate the amount of sugar in your body (I lost part of my pancreas during all my surgeries.)
• Hypothyroidism (actually linked to the syndrome as a cause)

Out of that list of five things I have 5 out of 5. The obesity to me is the worst. Between the surgery and the syndrome I look like I'm nine months pregnant and can't find nice clothes that will fit my body AND cover my belly. I have this thing about being overweight. I am losing now because my blood sugar is getting a little crazier. I have to monitor it often. Yep, more needles. I hate needles. Thank goodness they are tiny but when I am suppose to check four times a day it becomes too much. Honestly, I do not check it that often. Just can't get myself to do it. My fingers start to hurt. Hypothyroidism also makes you gain weight. It also makes you VERY tired. As far as the obesity...I eat like a bird. Honestly. You could ask anyone that knows me. (I lost part of my stomach too in that earlier part.) I eat one meal a day. Unless you want to call the handful of pills I take in the morning a meal. It's the combined illnesses that cause the obesity. Short of starving myself there is nothing I can do. I used to judge people that were obese. I think it is my punishment. I no longer judge.

There is more. They seem to me to be incidental and don't bother me often. I think it's all the little incidentals though that get to me the most.

I miss going to the gym. I miss going for walks. Hiking. Biking. I miss my energy the most. I hate having to force myself to do things I love. So if you don't hear from me for long periods of time it's only because I'm tired. I am so glad that my hubby is laid back and relaxed. I know there are times though that he wants to do things or go places and I just can't get myself to go anywhere. It's why I don't attend functions at night. It's why I don't do many things. One thing I hate though is if I say no today, please ask me next week because I might be up to it. No one does. Oh well.

And there you go. You now have a little insight into my life. Now you might see why I dread the question 'How are you?' It is also spurred from the constant whiners in my life that are always miserable and make it vocal and don't do anything because they don't feel well.